A discovery made

Abiram said. “Tell her to say safe and thank her for the warning.  We have the car all loaded now. You have a safe trip out there and have fun. I know you will like it out there Anna, it is what you talked about.”

Anna said. “Where do I write to? Hum? Just where are you headed?”

Abiram smiled. “Now that would be telling out of turn, however you will have the address when you get unpacked.”

Sara stood and said. “I have some things I need to do for the morning. You all have a safe trip, and let us know you made it. I hope the roads let you make decent time.  The Light guide you as you enter on the next step on your road.”

Anna said. “The Light be with you to. Know you will always find our door open.”

Sara froze for a moment, those words were never lightly said. For they meant that even if shunned the person would be welcomed. It was a big statement to make, as the shook on her mother’s face made plain. “Thank you, and know you and yours will find welcome where ever I am hanging my cape.” That was the most she could say, as not having a house. It all so would apply to any place she went, outside or within the church. Her fathers frown deepened a bit. Sara curtsied and left the room, hoping that she didn’t look upset. For Anna to say that was the same as telling her to go. That invitation was not needed for anyone in the church.  Come as it did after her father’s telling her she couldn’t go, that she was trying to take a roll not ft for her. Well it was upsetting, and made her more. In her room she turned to her books, the second copy was going fast than the first had as she was not so caught up in the reading of it. With luck the library’s copy would be done soon and there would be time in the evenings t go over the bits of dated items to add see what could be learned about the weather pattern from them. For all it was something for wiser minds she couldn’t just set it aside. Those wiser minds were not looking at the past, or hadn’t been. They had other things to concern them, so she would continue looking where they weren’t. There might just be more answers to be found there.

There was a knock on the door, and it opened before Sara could respond. “Bet it is glad you will be to be in the guest house with more room for all this.  What they were thinking I will never understand.  Just what would you do with all this?”

Sara said. “There is a lot to go though and a lot to be learned. I am sure there will be a room in my house I can make into my office. Or should my indented share my love of old things it might just be the living room has a big tables that are covered in old papers in place of fabric and sewing baskets. Time will tell. What can I do for you Mother?”

Edith said. “I just wanted to say Anna was to kind, and you had best tread lightly.  No matter what your father thinks of it you must do what you will. I wonder how your roommate will feel about this old paper.”

Sara said. “I thought we would each have a guest house, has that changed? Well it is no matter. I will just see it is tucked away so it shall not bother them. I am sure they won’t care what is in the office. Of course I will see she has no cause to regret her words. I am amazed at the trust she has given me.”

Edith shook her head, knowing Sara was deliberately misunderstanding her. “Glad to know you understand the power in that offer. You need to stop standing in the middle. Tell him the way you are going, let him grieve so we can recover from the failure.”

Sara said. “As I told him I do not know what way I am going. I am still trying to understand what the light wants of me. I am sorry you think me a failure. I am only trying to make the best use if the tools I have been given. I can not help that some would be better in the hands of others.  I would love if my skills were in fine sewing and not in decoding old books. But should I not use what I have?”

Edith shook her head. “Have a good night and remember we here follow a different path then you of the world do. Be careful what you bring into Anna’s life lest you bring grief.” She shut door behind her, and with that told Sara that she was no longer part of the family as far as her Mother was concerned. No excuse could be made this time. Her mot6her had just written her off. Even suspecting it was coming it still hurt.

Sara tried to go back to her book, but couldn’t. She set it aside and took out some paper instead. She still didn’t know what she was going to do but writing it out might help her relax. If her father read it should she not go to the church next Sunday he would at least know how she felt at this moment. She would leave it in envelope with his name on it. It was not uncommon for those leavening to do just that. She owed them what explanation she could give. She picked up a pen and looked at the page.  Not sure how to start it. She slowly started to write the hardest letter of her life. One she hoped no one would ever need read.

‘Farther, if you are reading this I am so sorry. Sorry I failed you, sorry I hurt you, sorry I couldn’t be the daughter I should have been. I so wish I had of went to the church next Sunday and taken the vows, or at least stood and declared for the sister church. However if you are reading this I did not. I could not in the end do what I so wish I could. I truly do not know what way to go.

Mother has just declared me a guest in her house, thou in the privacy of this bed room, not before all. Which is some comfort but still.  I so wish I had of stood up and called her. That I could promises her I was making a vow. That I was not of the world as she said. But I didn’t, I could not. I just sat her and let her leave.

Because as much as it pains me to write, as much as I want it not to be so. I can not do that for I do not know that I will be able to go to the church and make a vow.

I wish I could be happy in the life I was raised for. I truly want to be. But I would be turning my back on gifts given to me. There is a reson I can read the old text and see patterns others miss. It would be worng of me to turn those gifts aside. Yet I need not leave to use them, even here I could study the old books, amoung the sister church I could do more. But yet I do not know that those places could give me what I need.

I do not know that it would be enough to reliy always on another to see my work and judge it. To wait to be seen when I have something I feel pressed to share. I do not know that I can be content to do as I should and stay in the back, letting others make the calls just because I happen not to be male. I know it is what I should do, and I try. But something in me is protesting. I worry that waiting to be noticed will cause harm that could have been avoided if I would have been able to shout it out as a male in my place would.

I did shout with the pattern, I did not send a let letter saying I thought I something. But one saying this is here and this is what I find. Here is the work I have done. It is on that biases the news warns of the years of bad storms, for all they held aback some it was nothing more than I would have had them hold back. I can not help but wonder if I had done it the right way would the word be out there? If I had not done the math that should be beyond my abilities, would of anyone done it in time? If only I hadn’t waited to see if another would there could have been more warning, more time. For I found the pattern soon after I started work on my paper, but fear kept me silent. I don’t now that I can live with guilt should I let such stop me from acting again. I can not hide behind my sex and be an adult. I should not use my gender to get out of my duty. But nether should I take up duties that are not mine.

There in is my problem. I do not yet know where I belong. I may never know. But I fear I will not be able to make the vows. I want to. I want to make a home for my intended, to know the joy that comes from do as the light asks. But I fear I cannot.

I hope you will not hold it against anyone but me. It is my failing and noe are to blame but me.

You should know as well that it is a mage school that is courting me the hardest. They have offered a full scholarship, with books, food and a spending allowance more then enough to set up a house. The latest was an apartment in place of the standard dorm room. First year students are not let in the apartments normally. I would be lying to say I was not tempted by the offer, it is a good school, and I am have a spot on the team working on the satellite. I just worry it will upset to much if I go to Amberviel. I will talk to Abiram and warn him of course, and I will not seek anyone out should I do this. I wish I could say I was going to say no to the offer, but I fear I will not be able to.

I do love you deeply and so wish I wasn’t causing you such pain. I would love to be able to do the right thing, but I just don’t know that I can.’ She was crying as she put down the pen and put the letter in the envelope with her father’s name on it. For as much as she hated it she had found her answer in writing it. She stuck the envelope in the empty bottom desk draw, trusting that even should her uncle insist on packing he would understand and leave it be. Then she went and got into bed. She would tell Viv after she had signed, just incase she saw things different latter.

The next morning Sara woke tired, but not aching as she had half expected to be. She showered, dressed and headed down stairs glad the generator was working so she didn’t need worry about the stove. They still couldn’t seem to wake up in time to get it lit, or finish the baking the night before. She hope they got it worked out soon. It was going to be worse after she was in the guest house and not there to wake them. It looked like a nice day, but something felt off, and for that reason she set about making a large meal for the gnomes and fairies. If nothing went wrong her gift might get them to stay a bit longer and if the storm did come they would need the energy. Her necklace tingled.

Taking it out she read. ‘still quite’ ‘but edgy’ ‘something soon’ ‘big stay safe’

Sara nodded. ‘feel odd here’ ‘watching sky’ ‘u safe to’ She thought about telling her she was going to sign but decide it would wait until her name was on the page incase she should change her mind. It would not be a full commitment, for she wanted to talk to Abiram and make sure it wouldn’t cause him to change any plans before she locked in to going. There were other schools she could go to if it would be better. She took breakfast out to the table and found it full.

The gnome said. “Good you feel it. It bad, we will do can. Not sure when, but to big.”

Sara said. “I don’t really feel a storm, but just a since of waiting. It is odd and I do not like it, but can’t name it. Viv said the ocean was the same way, oddly still like it got before a storm, but no hint of storm in site, and it started yesterday. I am glad and trouble to know it is not just me.”

He said. “No Bright one it is not just you, child. You had best go, others are stirring. Tell them we said to brace, perhaps they will head and so save more then they could otherwise. If not at least you tried.” Sara nodded and headed in, whish she dared stay there and help, but there was no way that would work. Yet she was to jittery to work on the copying, so was at a loss as to what to do.

Sara took time to clean up everything she had used and fixed herself a pot of strong tea. Using the storm blend, figuring it wouldn’t hurt any and if this was going to be as big as she thought any chance at help must be tried. She also had a bigger pot of the regular morning tea on the tray and the kettle on the stove when Leah entered.

Her sister scowled at her. “Getting fancy now, have to have your own tea?”

Sara said. “As chilly as it is I thought the men might like to find a warm drink waiting in them and so fixed this for them. I was just taking it out.”

Edith said. “That s thoughtful, it is chilly for this time of year. I am sure it will be welcomed, and there is not wrong. Thank you for put us on some as well. Come now Leah, we don’t want breakfast to be late.” Know herself to be dismissed Sara took the tray to the front room, where the table was as the dinning room was still being worked on.

Her father looked up. “Just thing this morning. I was just tell the boys that it felt a bit chilly this morning.”

Sara set the tray down, curtsied then removed her smaller pot and cup. “I thought it might be welcome. The sun is out and the sky clear. However when I took the others there meal the older gnome asked me to tell you that a big storm is on the way. None is sure of just when but they are sure it will be before the days end.”