Arrg. 21921 (6,622 this post.)

 November has it in for me. that is all there is two it. I didn't post the next day as I stopped early do to a sudden headache. only to be hit with a bug the next next day that actually made me unable to keep my eyes open. no writing for two days. getting better, things were going good then yesterday I stood up to get something to eat. Glad that I felt like it, mostly it is still a fight, and my keyboad died. that it was computer but laptop can't see it either. of course it will take time to be able to get a new one. at least i do have my laptop. so there is still progress, a win though is sliping away. 

Jade nodded. “Sorry about that but by the time it was worked out the ariways were busy. I had to use one of the captains radios to get that through and didn’t want to tie it up any longer. He likely broke the rules letting me. I know it was troubling, but I thought a short message would be better than none at all. We came on an F class ship so there was no way to send a message on the way here.”
Graint nodded. “It was a mess until we got that message. Grandfather might not have met most of you, but you are family. He wanted you here.  He played the message for us then looked up the ship, so we know just what you had passage on. That helped more, for all it was a surprise to get that offer. Come on and I will take you to the dining room then up stairs, that way you will know where it is and there drinks and snacks waiting. Likely some of you need one just are to lost to say so.”
Jade said. “I saw they had ships in the area so thought it worth seeing if I could get a lift, as we had none fast that weren’t full. Turns out they were there to offer to help, just trying to find the command. I told them how to get in touch, and he said he would pick me up just as soon as he had it cleared. No way I was going to turn that down I needed to get here the day before.”
Graint nodded. “Most of their ships are clearing out the museums and libraries, but eight are doing transports. It should be only those that are willing, but well. You know they have no problems with helping a reluctant family member make up their mind. Still it is worth it see that as much as can be is saved. For all we are still hoping it all goes back and this proves to be a silly exercise. And I am sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm the children. We are all upset and saying a bit to much about frighting things. Now all the drinks that are out now are non alcoholic, but in the evenings there will be some that are on that left sideboard.”
One of the adults said. “You thought far before I did and none are looking overly upset. It is scary, but they have a right to know, mine are the youngest and I know they will come to me if they need to. This is confusing enough, hiding it just makes it worse. There were stories that some were being taken from their homes, but their was not a lot of outrage over it.  There was a bit over the lotting , but that stopped once the contracts where produced showing that everything would be returned if the danger left Earth unharmed. That if that wasn’t the case it would be taken to Conley as soon as the buildings were ready to receive the items. Go on, try what looks good, Jill no need wait on  me. You were saying you were hungry before we got here.” She moved then others started to. “They will stop being shy soon, I am sure. Then we will have new worries. We just. Well Jade said we would be welcome and Fred said there was enough room, yet still. This is not at all what we were expecting  when we descended on you. We are strangers that you are letting in your home and I can tell you are worried that we  feel unwelcome. Nothing is further from the truth, it is just a bit to much right now. It is just more than we were ready for. Once we knew there was life out there, for real, everything just seemed to move to fast. We knew in a way that not all would be friendly, but didn’t have time to fully know just what that could mean. To think there are some that would, could, kill complete planets. Even being shown it is still.”
Jade said. “We truly don’t know what the Claxtions are. We had no contact at all with them for years before we reached out. We do not have their side of that war, do not know but what our ancestors hid evil acts of their own. It is always possible that they were the ones that started it. Cutting them off wouldn’t have helped. Any sort of  communication was blocked for three hundred years. So anything they sent was met with silence. It could well be they asked for help, and there was none. They have reason to hate us. So the raids they have done are understandable. Yet to see a larger force is alarming because we do not know what they are intending. We do not know if it is threat to you or us, or just a warning. If they are scared that are attempts at contact means we are seeking to attack them. We are still hopping that our actions are unnecessary. That we are over reacting. And I say we when I have had nothing to do with it.” She shook her head a bit. Seeing the road she had ran from, but then she had known it was just a pause. That it would be there for her to take up. Just had been hoping for more time. She didn’t want the burden of the liefs. More say as her oldest brother was there as well. Still this meant the running was at an end. “I do think that all have a drink, brother.”
Graint smiled a bit. “I said I was the wrong one to play guide. I get easily distracted. Come on, I know you all want to find your rooms . Now I am going with this staircase as the red makes it stand out. This way you will be able to find the dinning room once you have found it. And don’t ever be embarrassed about asking for help. It is easy to get turned around even for those of us that grew up here. No one is going to find it surprise you are lost. Could well be they are as well. Feel free to explore the house and grounds, nothing will hurt you, and most won’t have anything shocking out. Locked doors are privet rooms, not a prison or anything like that. Sorry, one of my uncles needs to be reminded of that. Here we are.” He lead them through the halls until everyone had a room.
Jade said. “Those that want to can come see my room, if you don’t want to meet me in the dining room if you want to be shown the bikes and trail markers. It won’t take long to get to my room. I bet that I am not the only one that needs to move some before thinking of unpacking.” A few left but more stayed with her as she took them trough the halls to her door, and took a key out. “Now then I can not be sure just what is waiting, I am not the only one that has a key and. Well it is likely that a person wanted me to know just how he missed me and what he wants. There for just the front room, for now. There are four rooms in this set. Three that you will be able to enter and one you will not. You all know that relationships here are a bit more complex and contain things that were not normal on earth. So with that warning.” She unlocked the door and opened it. As she expected there was a whip and a pair of cuffs in the front room. At least that is all that there was.
A few of the adults coughed. One of the younger ones said. “I don’t. I thought you were joking. Yet clearly. Of all the. Why is he asking you hit him?”
Jade said. “I am not sure, it could just be saying that  he wants me to know he agrees I have the right to. Or it could be about what I will find on in. I am not going to open the other doors to find out. There are times that I regret giving that key out, for all there are more I am glad they have it. It is a help to find a bath waiting on me after a hard day. Now come on. You should at least see where the bikes are kept even if you find the forest to scary to enter right now.” She led them out the back door and gave them time look around and realize that there was a large fenced area that should help a bit, tel then see there was space before the trees. The ones that went to see the trials could tell them there was more space on the other side of the fence as well. A few of the families had lived in cities so would be spooked. She led them over to the bike shed and opened it. “The ones to the left belong to someone, the ones on the right don’t and come and go. Where we are right at the bus stop we keep storage here for the neighborhood And see there are extras for any that need one. We are not that far from a militarily space port, and they leave some inactive ships out to be played on and in. Far better than having children trying to sneak onto the base. That is the trail that sees the most use, but most get a good bit. We are not the house close to trail heads, but the bus station tends to see these here get more use. There was a public bike shed, but it didn’t get kept up so Grandfather built this one and sees there are always bikes in it for those that don’t have one.”
They looked at her for a bit then one of them said. “There is a base close? But? In those trees? Doesn’t it get loud? I know your crafts are different than ours, but still that seems to be a danger. There is still a fire risk.”
Jade said. “What is on planet is just transport ships, just like the little one that took us off earth. They have a smaller footprint and so need less room to be safe. It does slow down response times a fraction, but in truth no more more than it would have them all on large bases, and having to juggle take offs. The one here is attached to the school so there are a few fighters on the ground, but only for simulations. We do sometimes here a bit of a rumble, but most times we don’t know the ships moved unless we happen to see them. I can take you on a tour of the base if you want. Now for those you want to see the trails, come on. They are well groomed and little chance of loosing them, but best you know how to tell directions.” She led them over to the trails and explain the makers, pointing out the one that led to the base. Some took off on the trails others went back to house. Jade set off down a trail, but soon turned into the fores loosing herself to its comfort. Enjoining being home, reconnecting to what she had missing.
When Jade got to the Oliver was there smiling. “I am sorry I could be here to greet you but am glad to see that Graint has put all at ease. Had the meeting been any less important I would have been here. I trust they have been helping you get settled in?”
Violet said. “Yes those that were here were helpful. I see the rest are coming in now. Still it is likely best that they were able to get a feel for the house. This is not something anyone was prepared for. Not that I know how any could be.”
One of her sisters shot her a look, not likening how that sounded. Before she could say anything Janet did. “We are all very glad that you were willing to take us in, that would ask us to come not knowing us. It is good to be welcomed, when there was no reason to expect to have any place to go. We saw the ships, even knowing as little as we do there wasn’t one that could say they were anything but war ships and we were clearly vastly over powered. That there was such a fast response was just as shocking, and when the offers came in. Well yes some turned to suspicion, but most are just grateful. Yes, all here have taken time to help, even when that meant hunting up a lost doll. Surprising little is missing from the boxes, but a few of are realizing that we should have packed a few things differently. Luckily Jade has already said she would take us shopping and see that we learned the way around town tomorrow.” She shook her head a bit.
Alice blushed. “Clothes can always Be bought. I had no way of knowing what books i would not be able to replace. That made them more important. Father said that we wouldn’t need to worry about money. I have a few changes, just because they are odd combinations. It’s not like we could know what was needed here weather wise anyway.”
Jade laughed. “As long as you have something that isn’t to odd for tomorrow we can get that fixed. I doubt if you are the only one.  Remember how little I came with, I expected some of you would do the same. Hence the reason I said we would go tomorrow, that said it won’t be that hard to come up with something that fits if any need it. If no one matches your size, there are still closets  of unused clothes. A bit out of date, but they would do for a day. I am sorry, but I just had to go for a run, and went longer than I intended to. That said, I have fresh picked apples and berries.” She turned to Violet, not giving her a chance. “Yes I know it was rude for me to take of being someone they know. However I am not they only one that knows the house and them. The two of you were more than cable of helping Graint if need be.” Graint so wanted me to take over, being the ranking member here. Yet I knew nothing of what was planed, of what Grandfather wanted said or unsaid just now. So I could help the best by getting out of the way. She put her baskets on the table. She had ignored the Angles to bring them in herself, think that would help them be sure it was safe. Well these two, they had brought in others. “The berries I had thought I might find, but I wasn’t expecting any apples yet. They are still a bit tart, but good. A couple more weeks and they should be ready to harvest. Now there is nothing like these berries on Earth so you might find them to strange to eat. The apples though should be fine.”
Oliver nodded. “They should be done with the berries about then, so that will work out well. You did just as I expected you to Child, you needed to talk with trees and feel the ground. Graint was more than able to help here. Yet he says you stayed around until they had seen the trails. That is more any would have expected, given how long you had been unable to check your favorite places.” He had to wonder just what the past year had truly been like. Still it was her right to go, and see what it was like. Truly it had been good to see that bit of fear in her. That was until that fleet showed.
Fred was frowning. “Yes that was something. I am surprised she waited that long. We all expected that there would be things needed. I didn’t think that the accounts would be converted so fast. It was shocking to be giving bank papers and cell phones, then coupons for laptops when I said we would be fine with getting our own as they were running low. Truly you have done amazing working getting everything done so fast. Even with all the empty places it still took a lot to set up.”
Oliver said. “A lot is still being done. Most of the accounts are just using start up funds from the government, and a lot are in temporary places as the remodels get complected. All the same non-living items can be sent a lot faster on the automated ships, and data even faster once it reaches the network, which has been expanded out. Everyone started to work when the ships appeared on the Riganled radar, which was a week before those on Earth had their first view of them. That is how we were were there so soon. We had already started that way. We still are trying to find out how they were hidden before then. As well as just what they are planing. It is a mess. And nothing to be talked about over supper, but do know that we will do our best to answer the questions we can, and I am not the only one here that gets the reports as they come in. Yes there are somethings not being made public, but you will be told if something is left unsaid. Now then did we get the right rooms ready?”
Amber nodded. “Everyone found one they liked, so yes somehow you did. There was more than needed.”
Oliver said. “Good, and there are more that can be used. So should you find that you have some friends that need a better place invite them. Even if just to stay for a bit. I said that we had room, but they are trying to not to put anyone in with families, which I fail to understand. They said that they were giving out directions to message broads so you would be able to find each other. Oh and yes, we can get then here from a different a planet, but that might take a few extra days. Still we have the contacts to make it happen. Or to get you there should you wish. I don’t mean to make you think we are trying to hold you.”
Albert said. “I don’t think that they believe that, Grandfather, just a bit stunned that you are trying to get them to bring more here.” He looked at Jade and frowned a bit, she was to thin, but better than he had feared. Pulling that stunt. A year there, with all that charged air couldn't have done her any good. She was not well when she left, no matter what she said. “Most seem truly amazed that you would have them, even though they are family.” He looked at Henry, Henry kissed him lightly on the shoulder, then went to Jade and gave her hug, then moved to stand behind her, ignoring the head shake. “Welcome all of you. I do hope that you don’t find my uniform upsetting, but I am on call tonight, but wanted to be here for supper. Chances are nothing will happen, but I have to ready all the same. I am sure that Jade told you there was an base near. Likely though she failed to say that children have been known to talk their way onto flights. Just to station and back. It is perfectly safe, but you do need to know it does happen. Only where there is nothing going on, and they are well supervised. All transport pilots have full licenses. They will not be able to get near any working ships without an escort, but tours are given all the time. And any of you are welcome to come and ask for one.”
Jade shook her head. “I said that I would see that any who wanted a tour got one, but felt that it was enough not to say that some were known to take visitor up. After all I want the children to get to see the ships. Now I few a few are going to be scared. Come on we had best get to the table before they have all the food gone.” She moved over to him as the rest started to the table and said softer. “I am glad to see that you have started the wing. I need a two days to get settled then will be there to meet them, and we can get it finalized. You could have waited. Yes it was harder than I thought, but I am not hurting. Tonight would have been soon enough to send him to me. You don’t need to push Fred.”
Albert said. “It is not about Fred. You have a week, and are to be turned away if you turn up for the next three days. Commander Walter thinks that is far to short as it, but agreed that it would have to do. I am not allowed to show you any reports at all until Henry has reported to him. So let him see to you. Yes I want him there as well, but this is not all me. I didn’t ask not that he would have explained.”
Jade shook her head. “It is the Wihslk. I scared them by reaching out for a fast ride. I should have expected it, but didn’t even think of that. Not that I would have done anything different. I needed to be here not there or stuck on a ship.” She took the Chair that Henry had out and nodded, so he would see top Albert’s. “Drinks for both of us, and tea for you boy, and yes you will use the stool. You were working today.” He frowned but bowed and went to the drinks. “Sorry, I know you found that upsetting, but he did need to be told. Best you see it now when you can get an explanation. Henry has chosen to give his life to the care of another, and so that leads to him feel it is needed to wait on those that haven’t. That is the case for all those who are standing behind someone or kneeling next to them. They all asked for that place. That is the only way any are legally in it. The one that is lower is the one that has to ask. Like I said our relations tend top be a bit more complex for some, but all involved consent to what happens.”
Janet said. “So that is the background to that fight I walked in. No one ever would explain why you were fighting over BDSM being legal. Just got mad that I said you were right and pulled up the codes to prove it. Still wondering how it came up.”
Jade said. “There was a bruised arm and the person said it was fine, that things had just went a bit fast. It was nothing to worry about. The ones that heard it were worried that it was a matter of abuse. I told them that what was said matched the feelings and consent means it was not abuse. That led to the argument you walked in on and a latter discussion of how relationships work here, as they learned fast that I would answer question, even after being told the subject was not appropriate.”
Fred shook his head. “Being here it is needed they know it, but it is not something that they would have to see before. It was kept between those involved, as it should be. They didn’t walk around in bindings or showing the wounds. However yes now they will see it, so do need to know about it.” Jade looked at him but said nothing. Oliver’s look was a bit more pointed. “Yes I have taken part. That doesn’t mean it was right. I did a lot things in my past that I would not do now. I changed as I learned more and would hope that my children would see the befit of that experience.” His frowned deepened as Herny came back bowed and then placed Albert’s drink in front him. Then moved to Jade and placed her drink, than sat stiffly on the stool next to her. As the food started coming around he filled Jade’s plate, take some for himself only when she nodded, as the others that were seated were doing. Those standing did not eat. The others were of course taking all this in. He was worrying just what they must be thinking and what they would say.
Oliver said. “I am glad that you are happy with your life, but try to remember the first thing you were taught. Not all are meant for the same things. Just because life here isn’t for you does not mean it is not fit. There is value in both ways, we just found that being open fit what we here needed. Yes at first you will be noticing the bindings and bruises a bit more, just as I noticed the lack of them when among those that are not open. That is why it is important that you know know that all inn them here have consented to it. Well there are the prison work crews and do sometimes have bindings, mostly when being taken to or from their jobs.. Mostly city maintenance work, but lessor sentences can apply for factory jobs. A third of their pay goes to their families, a third to the victims if it is fitting, the rest is the state. And yes they are paid three dollars less than minimum wage. Still they are getting paid, that is more than some think should be. Yes we could have pretend for a night, but that would just make it worse latter. Better to just get it out there and talked about. There is going to be a lot here that is troubling to you and you need to know that we don’t mind being asked about it. It is always confusion to meet people that live differently, and what you are have to do is far worse than that. As you were coming here you didn’t get the full classes that the rest do and so that is going to mean you are even more lost.”
Jade smiled. “Grandfather they all know that I rushed them through landing. Some of their friends were on the ship with us so they are getting updates from them on the normal experience, as I did see that phone numbers got exchanged before we left.”
One of the boys nodded. “Just before you all came to the table Willam said that they are being taken to supper then will get shown to their houses at last. Then around ten a van is going to come pick them up for another class, lunch and then take them around town a bit. That sounds like a bit much as he says a lot of it was just what you and Fnerd were telling us on the way there. Then not all listened to you guys, and most ships have even more on them that wouldn’t, if any were explaining. So I guess I see why. All the same I am glad that we got to skip it, even if it means I am going to be a bit more confused at times.”
His father said. “Just remember to say when you are lost. Yes Jade and Fnerd covered a lot of it with us on the ship, but there is still going to be things that are missed.”
Oliver looked at her. Jade smiled. “He heard me start the lessons soon after take off and jumped in. I think that helped more as we are strange to him as well, so he knew better just what to explain. Earth has far more in common with Hilto than one would think. Fnerd is one that has no problems talking of his former home. Those that would have stayed to the crew areas. Everything was done to see those on board were comfortable.”
Oliver nodded. “I expected that that, I just hadn’t realized it wasn’t just one of his ships, but one he was on. I knew that the call came from but.”
Jade said. “The Belmont is his. It never leaves dock without him. Seeing it was what let me know it was completely safe to reach out. They truly are upset as well. They don’t keep a large army, but they do have fast ships and wanted to offer what they could.”
Oliver nodded. “I expected nothing less, and am glad that you acted. No one even thought to think if they would be willing to help, and we should have. Given the other times they have proved most willing to. Just well.” Jade nodded. “I understand why you went, but it is good to have you home.”
Albert nodded. “It was a long year for us, we kept expecting you to come in from the trees with some new tale about the wild things. Sure made us realize just how much you gathered out there. There were some that started, but it wasn’t the same.”
Jade said. “I started running into the forests as soon as I was able to get to so Grandfather saw I was in classes on the living in the wild as soon as they would let in them. No reason not to get benefit from them.”
Alice said. “I can see that, you were revealed when I showed you how to get to the trails .” She looked at Herny then at her father. Still if she didn’t ask  one of the others would. “I get what you said, yet you don’t hold his oath. You said you had not yet faced that decision. So why is he waiting on you?”
Fred said. “Albert sent him to her, that was what the look was. Of course he had told him before they were he what was intended. Yes that can be done. It is all up to the person holding the oath, they can pass the people as they like. They know it before the oath is given, but still.”
Jade nodded. “That could will be it, but you know that isn’t the case. There is no reason to lie about it.  There are all sorts of oath that can be given. Some of those can affect service oaths giving another the power to control the oath. When Henry went to Albert and asked him to take his oath Al told him he would love nothing more than to say yes. However, before that cold be he need Henry to know what he was planing. Now then As you see he is in the Military, and you know that they are put in units. Well here there are some schools where those units are bond by oaths that go beyond the time in uniform. We were all in one of them, but most were looking for Al to form a wing, a unit, of his own. He told Henry that he was not going to do so, that he had told my years before that his oath was mine and still stood by it. So that if Henry did this he would only have him for short time, then as I sent him to him. The day I went to tell them I was going to Earth they were planing to make me a full commander. To Al that means that Henry’s oath is indeed mine, for all I had not accepted his. Though yes, I have now, informally, by acknowledge that he made one.” Henry kissed her lightly, and Albert was smiling. “I still think it is silly of you to have given it to some that just completed their first solo flight, but yes. Once I have formally been given my command I will publicly accept your oath.”
Oliver said. “About time you two stopped dance around. I was getting tired of acting like I didn’t see it. Yes I agree you were far to young that first time, and the next. However the third time you were a squad leader.” Jade shrugged. “Yes I know it was a lot and you weren’t ready for it. Like I said I understand why you agreed to go.”
Jade said. “I needed to be sure. I had no idea what it was like not to be in the military. There were good reasons for that, and when I was older you all had tried to get me to try other things. I didn’t see why it was needed. Then I did, but if I was here. So I agreed to  Fred’s demand on the grounds that I was free to return when I said.” Albert looked at her. “Yes, no matter what you thought, I did  see to a few changes before going. Just didn’t see any reason to tell you. It was better for me if you didn’t know I could return when I wanted to. For all I waiting until I had them talked into it. Didn’t you think it odd that I got Fred on that ship?”
One of the ladies said.  “Dare I ask what was so odd about the ship?”
June said. “They were smuggles. I thought you realized it. Not that we had any cause at all to worry about it. But it was a  pirate ship. Not sure what sort of goods, but yes mostly stolen or at lest not legal to move.”
Oliver said. “More gray area than, but no not strictly legal. The ships are all fully licensed as is the crews, but they skirt the edges of the laws. What they have depends on what is asked for. That said they have ran medicine to plague zones, and rescued kidnapped children.” He smiled a bit, remembering finding the scared man reading to Jade, her not the least bet scared for all there were others in chains not far from her. Just demanding he read again, do it right.
Fred said. “I do not approve of them, but they do keep their word. With Jade making the agreements all they took would be perfectly safe and speed was important. When you stayed and argued I had thought that you had woken up and realized there was more to life. That this was not the way to live. For all you were right I was being blind. Earth would be in the line of fight, no matter what so there is a change of damage and reason to get out of there. For all I find it unlikely to be there target. After all there is not the history there, and with world closer to them unprotected and untouched all these years.” He shook his head frowning. “So you will take a ship. What class?”
Jade looked at Albert, he said. “We have been using a flightier, but the crew I have been building is all rated up to suppers. Therefor any ship that Sis feels is needed.”  To the others he said. Suppers are a class above the ship that brought you here. They are not used much as they are costly to make and few trouble to learn how to fly them. Jade though started her training in a lightwing, and those fighters pair best with supers, for all most are used on flash.”
Albert went red and said. “You are not! No that is. You can’t.”
Jade said. “I have sent a message asking about using a different ship. Once I get an answer then I will know for sure which it will be. Mettle is a fine ship, and will no doubt be used by one of the others, but as it isn’t we will be doing the learning runs on it, but no it is not the list of possible permanent ships. It just lacks a bit of the responsiveness I want.” Fred looked at her. “Yes I can fly the large ships. I was piloting three of the jumps here, not just watching. I soloed in Mettle, with four jumps in the test route. I just prefer my lightwing.”
Albert said. “No one can pilot a supper alone it is imposable! They need at least four, ideally twelve. I might have stopped but I did get licensed.”
Oliver said. “There are eight who have piloted one alone, six licensed. You know one of them can fly solo, you saw it happen. Four of whom are living. In Jade case one of those was riding with her, but the test was taped. You can watch it.  Thonblood never touched the controls.” Frank went white then red.  “Don’t even, Of course he saw to all of her flight tests. He told you no one else was going to. For the first three years there was one of his there whenever she had flight training. As you said he has always kept his word. I saw to it that she had her beacon with her before I agreed to her going to Earth, for all she had stopped carrying all the time two years ago.”
Jade said. “He is going to  yell at me for not telling him I was there until I was home, even though I am certain Mull called him the second he was done arranging the landing. Had he known we all would have been on one of his ships the night after he knew of the ships. I look for him to here when we get back for the shopping, as he hasn’t called. Yes another pirate group, but a relative as well. He was as upset that Mull found me as he was that I had been taken in the first place. And yes that is why the early lessons were all done on base. It seemed perfectly safe to let me play in the trees once I knew what not to touch, I stayed to where I could hear whoever was with me even if out of sight. The woods are safe. No one ever thought of others entering them who might find a young girl with a large mage talent worth taking. There were few strangers around and well minors just are taken here. It happens maybe once every five years. Yet it was taken, for five days. I was young enough that I had no idea that I was in danger. I was just made that they kept me locked up.  It was years before I knew the danger I had been in. By then I was safe from that might seek to use me, but for four years a soldier was with in the forests and I basically lived on base. It was all a game to me, but yes I was flying a ship at eight. Not alone, but yes I was in control of it.  Some say I was five the fist time I took the controls. Yet you thought I would walk away?”